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This birthday though …

My first birthday with T-Mitch was my 19th birthday. Yes, he was my own secret that only a few knew about because I knew my family wouldn’t understand. (they didn’t at the time – sorry not sorry to mention this).

We had a great day together… I had to go to a family friend’s party in the evening to celebrate their own daughter’s birthday – Shruthi is her name. She is my Birthday Twin. She’s much younger than me, but we share birthdays and that’s all that matters.

Many things were said that night because that was the day my parents found out about Torey. So many ill notions were thrown out to me. They meant it at the time. It was absurd in my mind.

Now I feel like they fell in love with him like I did. It may have taken Das’ birth to get there, but they did. I’m thankful for this. Some have mentioned feeling guilty for whatever reason when communicating how they felt about him:

If you feel any kind of guilt right now … then it’s honestly too late. That is all. Channel that sh** t to something more constructive. That. Is. All.

Today … was absolutely so HARD. Every birthday I’ve been with him (23 years) he’d whisper his birthday greeting to me before getting out of bed, gift me with a thoughtful card and continue with celebrations throughout the day. We weren’t materialistic so gifts didn’t matter to us and that was one of the beauties of it.

Das gifted me with the best way ever… so thankful for him!

I reconnected with JVM who will be sharing Torey’s film with me soon. SO F*****G thankful for this SH**!!!!

I adore my fam and Gib.

And to go back to my Birthday Twin:

2019-12-29

 

This ties it up for me. I don’t care about meeting T-Mitch at the time I did because it was meant to be. I don’t care whose feathers I ruffled. I don’t CARE. I DON’T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO regrets. I am lucky enough to say I met my soul mate. I am lucky enough to say I was T-Mitch’s love. I am f*****g blessed. I am.

That is all.

And to Dave and fam in San Antonio – thank you for our escape during the Holidays! We truly appreciate it!!!

 

 

 

 

 

T-Mitch Around the Holidays

Every year Torey would get into his Ebenezer Scrooge / Grinch mode during the holiday season. He didn’t like all of the hoopla and putting up a Christmas tree was just not something he looked forward to. He’d moan and groan all the way up until the time of the festivities and then he’d channel the holiday spirit and would end up having a blast!

Every time I’d get a tree Torey would say, “I ain’t helping you with that damn thing! Why do you get real ones? Why do we do this every year? It’s so pointless!” Even though he’d say these things, he’d always be there to help – beginning from bringing the tree in, setting it up in the stand, adding the lights and all the way up to propping the tree topper. He’d wear his Santa hat sometimes while pouring drinks and making us laugh! Das would join us right in time to adorn the tree with our ornaments – I always kept a Disney theme. I’d collect a new Disney ornament every year – not this year though. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get back into that groove.

Das and I miss him so incredibly much. Das has been finding me in my moments of feeling lost or sad – any time he finds me like this he gives me a fist bump. This makes me smile because I know he’s thinking of where we’re at in life right now. His fist bump reminds me that Torey wants me to make a better effort at moving on. I know he doesn’t want me to be sad all day every day – I try not to be, but it’s been difficult.

I’m thankful for being surrounded by all of the love and support pouring from so many people. Many thanks to you all.

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Early This Morning

I didn’t sleep much last night – I felt restless and there were a few things that were on my mind. Das was having some allergy issues around 4 am so I went to check on him – he was still sleeping like a baby. (I still find it so sweet to watch him sleep – sorry, Das, I’m not trying to be creepy!)

I had a dream Das and I were at my Mom’s favorite place away from her home: Costco. We were with my parents and brother strolling down the aisles for nothin’ in particular. We split up, Das and I went to look at something and as the both of us entered an aisle, we heard Torey call our names from behind us. IT WAS INCREDIBLE! The three of us hugged, cried, and held on to each other… I got to kiss him again and this time we didn’t care about PDA! All three of us were beyond ecstatic!

He told us he couldn’t stay long and just wanted to see us. Torey’s dreads were back and he was wearing a blue t-shirt and jeans: T-Mitch casual. He was all smiles… then the dream got a little weird. Torey said that in order to see us he had to ask a “host” to help him show himself to us.

Das and I were in disbelief when he transformed into a gorgeous middle eastern woman! He quickly showed himself again and asked us not to freak out. I suggested for him to see if my parents could see him so we found them and the three of us approached my parents and brother.

They were pretty confused and perplexed to see this woman – a stranger – smiling at them from ear to ear. My Mom looked at me and asked who she was.

Das grinned and told his Grandmother to take a closer look – and then there T-Mitch was again with his roaring laugh and arms stretched out for hugs. More tears, more laughter and more smiles.

It was AMAZING!

Eventually he had to walk away … I saw the lady who helped him and gave her a hug and thanked her for allowing us to have this moment. She was genuinely happy to have helped and we parted our ways.

I woke up really thinking about this dream – it set me in a better place in some ways. It also made me laugh because how fitting for Torey to pick a gorgeous, exotic woman to help him – this is SO HIM! We used to always talk about what it would be like if we could switch bodies and experience things as a woman and me as a man… I’m sure this isn’t uncommon and if it is, then you’re boring! LOL!

Classic T-Mitch … he helped me so much last night. Thank you, Babe … I love you.

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This was the length of his dreads.

 

Discovery of Assumptions …

… it’s pretty messed up for people on social media to be posting how and why Torey passed away. I just saw a post and wish I hadn’t.

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Facts:

  • We do not have closure.
  • We do not know the cause of death, yet.
  • He was a donor so he donated whatever he could to help people.
  • He helped over a dozen people.
  • His heart was used before they could conduct tests to determine the cause of death.
  • There is NO OFFICIAL REPORT OF WHAT CAUSED HIS DEATH!!!!!!!

Do not feel you are at liberty to assume sh**!
You have no right and it’s insensitive.

Yes, all arrows point to the heart at the moment – but you still have NO RIGHT to assume.

SHAME. ON. YOU.

 

 

Come As You Are

Torey and I passed on a ton of our songs to Das. These have been in heavy rotation in his playlist:

 

PS – Das shaved his mustache for the 1st time last night and has regretted it… LOL! Torey predicted this part! I can just hear T-Mitch saying, “DUDE, I TOLD YOUR A** THIS SH**!!” hahahahaha!! Love my munchkin, and he gets it… thankful for the regrowth of hair. He’s going to cringe like a mofo when he sees this.

Ooops … not really!

My Own Zero

We fell in love with this song together and felt it so much that we used it in our wedding … the lyrics are simply ethereal. Period.

Lyrics:

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you like you are
You are my own zero
I love you like you are
You’re my own zero

You’re not a hero on the TV
You’re my own hero
If others call you zero
It’s because they count
In the wrong way

Why did you surrender?
You say I’m not good enough for you
Who am I?
Do I deserve you?

You are important to me
For the man you are
Please hold me
I even accept you
When you’re down

I love you like you are
You are my own zero
Love me like I am
I’m gonna be your goddess

F*** the Title of “Being the Hardest Day Ever” From My Last Post….

… Today marked the 4 week point. I have been an emotional wreck all f***ing day and I have been supported by my work team and many others – thank you to all of you – SERIOUSLY!

Das and I checked the mail together again – this is part of your new norm. Torey used to do this. We got the hospital bill. Even more saddened that the hospital he was taken to is out of the network so we’re stuck with something we weren’t anticipating.

This bill on top of the emotions has been exhausting. Neither one of us have had an appetite. However, tonight we went to the store and got some grub … Das made dinner (it was frozen food, but I don’t care – it was worth sharing a meal at home with him).

Torey’s uncle, Dave, spoke some wise words during a text message …. and he’s right. I have to focus on what Torey would want me to do to be happy. He’d want me to do the best to take care of Das. And … he’s right. I need to move forward, but it’s been so f***ing hard. SO many waves of emotions! It’s NOT FAIR! GONE TOO SOON is always on my mind… T-Mitch had SO MANY AMBITIONS!

Trump got IMPEACHED!!! <– Torey is wow’d! & thank you, Gib!

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Hardest Day So Far

My job allows us to work from home 4 days out of the month – something I have been grateful for. Today was the first time I was truly alone – I had to take the truck to the shop to get some things fixed so I couldn’t leave for a breather… it should be fixed by the end of the day tomorrow.

Sitting at home drove me crazy – it was too quiet. Before the tragedy, Torey and I shared our space on my work from home days. We both would work from home together, have lunch and just be productive. Of course I’d have my binge-worthy shows and he’d find himself interested in them and would always chuckle about how I was a bad distraction. I loved every minute of this … it hit me pretty hard today.

I wish I had taken more pictures and videos. There’s so much I would do different if I could. I talked to a counselor over the phone today and will be visiting another counselor on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. I’m also looking into Grief Support groups – I feel like he’s telling me to do this and I just want to make sure I’m okay for Das. I know it’s hard on him to even be in this situation, but he knows how close we all were better than anyone. He knows how much Torey and I loved each other… I know it’s hard on him to see me in this state of mind.

Das and I do our best to make each other laugh and go about our day to day …. I make sure to watch any sporting event or at least have it on because that’s what T-Mitch would do…. just trying to hang on to the things we always did.

He was beyond amazing. Torey was my everything and will always be. Did you know he was my first boyfriend? Yup. All my firsts were with him … all. of. them. Including this …

Heart is truly broken … we’re approaching the one month mark …

Three Weeks Ago as of Today …

… and it’s not getting any easier.

I had a dream that I was in the audience of a theater hall and Torey was in a play based on today’s political environment. He was in his zone – right where he always wanted to be: an actor. He even made eye contact with me from the stage and all I could do was smile from ear to ear. He had a blue button-down shirt on with a white collar (obviously playing his character because he wouldn’t have chosen that shirt for himself!).

Yes, he was a thespian at heart and he was going to resume his acting journey in the coming year. T-Mitch had asked me to manage his auditions, which I was eagerly looking forward to.

He began several ideas of content he wanted to produce and act in. He even dabbled in starting a stand-up comedy sketch, which he was eager to share with everyone. 2020 was going to be about his light shining even brighter. `

Torey starred as the bad guy named Ezekiel Guzman (Ezzie) in an independent film in Houston back in the day (1998?)… here are some pics:

Torey as Ezzie1

Torey as Ezzie2

Miss you, T-Mitch … love you – always and forever, Babe.