“You can’t rationalize everything! Just live life!”

I still go through moments of realization that Torey’s no longer here. It hits me the hardest at night. He’s no longer here to lay beside me in our bed … no longer here to become the human pretzel we so often did while we slept. It’s insane how inseparable we were even while sleeping. 

It’s hard for me not to replay his moment of passing in my head as I drive every day. I literally have to brace myself, take deep breaths and let the memory take its course. Crying isn’t always something that comes to me as naturally as it used to lately. The tears don’t really do anything for me other than make my eyes feel tired.

It’s bittersweet to watch Das play the game he loves the most – he’s the happiest when he’s on the field. I see him smile more while playing baseball more than anywhere else (he even dances in between innings still!). That connection between him and Torey will never die. I’m so happy Das can always rely on this. 

It hits me when I find myself smiling or laughing – not being able to share those moments with him hurts. It hits me when I have to keep my silly or crazy thoughts to myself because I doubt there’s anyone who would get me like he did. He used to tell me I was one of the funniest people he knew, but only because I didn’t hesitate to spit the truth with him about anything (or anyone!). 

I can’t speak for everyone who is mourning his loss, however I can say that I appreciate it when people share their thoughts about him with me. This allows me to cherish him in my heart and soul deeper and deeper. An example of this came from our good friend, Katrina, who lives in Houston. Torey and Trina met in Atlanta and were paired up as campus siblings while he attended Morehouse and she was at Spellman. They became close friends and looked out for one another – I had met him after their Freshman year and she soon learned about me as well. 

Katrina and I hit it off the moment we met – she’s an amazing soul who had nothing but love for Torey and eventually for me. Trina and I had a ton of stuff in common like music, movies and X-Files!!

Anita, Torey and Katrina
This is the three of us at the Phase V premiere in Houston back in 1998 (?)

I received a text from her early on Tuesday morning and it made me smile. I’d like to share it with you (and yes, I have her consent, thank you): 

So, I’m catching up on your “blog therapy” (I swear you are helping me so much by sharing your thoughts and life moments) 😉. I realized that I hadn’t heard his voice in so long until I listened to his voicemail greeting. It made me smile hearing his “professional voice.” I always preferred the energetic, louder version… where you could hear the smile through his words. LOL! 

I miss both of you and more and more I realize that I have NEVER met anyone like Torey. He’s the motivational voice I hear when I want to follow a path less traveled or pursue a dream. Of course, the voice he is using is his energetic, vibrant one, with hand gestures included! 

Why isn’t he here when I know he had so much more to do? Why him… now? I don’t understand life. His passing confuses me. And when I ask myself all of these questions, he speaks to me again… “Kre! You can’t rationalize everything! Just live life!”

So, Anita, let’s live life, even when it doesn’t make sense. Love you!! And keep the therapy going! 😘

Trina, you’re absolutely right. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been down with similar thoughts and feelings. A sick feeling of being cheated out of the life I always wanted for us as a couple and family, the bitterness, the depression, the longing, the anger, the confusion, the sadness, the loneliness, the despair … and so much more! Yes, during these times I can hear his softer and sweeter tone he only used with me. “Anita, you gotta stop this … you’ve got this! I know you do, Babbs. I know you do…” 

So, thank you Trina, for helping me as well. Your text was the best way to start my day. And yes, his arm gestures were always one of a kind – he’d get so animated! LOL!

For those of you reading this, you don’t have to share anything with me if you don’t want to. However, if you ever worked with him or knew him as a friend / loved one – then please reach out to someone you shared a mutual friendship with. Share those memories with one another. 

Keep his memory alive. That’s all I can ask for.

Thank you, T-Mitch … you know I’ll never stop loving you. Never. Ever…. Everrrrrrrrrrrrr!

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