The Dreamer

I had a pretty vivid dream a few nights ago. Torey and I were in a house and we had company over. He was pouring our favorite tequila shots and he pulled me aside to show me something he bought.

I don’t know if you know this about him, but he always picked my perfume (mainly because my sense of smell sucks!). He’d switch them out every once in a while, but he wore the same cologne for damn near 20 years: The Dreamer by Versace.

It was discontinued a while ago, but he knew hole in the wall stores who still sold the cologne and they’d only sell them in the Sample sizes. He didn’t care and I didn’t either because it smelled so damn good on him!

Torey The Dreamer

In my dream he handed me my familiar fragrance and I thanked him. Torey seemed a little hesitant to show me his bottle – he switched his cologne out. The package it came in was a long cylindrical tube – about the size of a wine bottle. It was black with red text and he opened the top of it and showed me his new cologne bottle.

“I decided to switch it up, ‘Nita,” he said as he saw the confusion on my face.

“Torey, I don’t get it. Why? You like The Dreamer SO much!! And this bottle is too tiny for the package it came in – this company seems so wasteful with this huge box as the package!”

“I know – the box is too big. That’s what SHE SAID!!!” he roared into his infectious laguhterNo, but smell it. I think you’ll like it on me,” he remarked as he twisted the cap off of the dark brown bottle. Torey held the cap under my nose for me to smell.

I couldn’t smell anything – which isn’t a shocker because I kinda lost my sense of smell when I was younger (thanks to the trauma of formaldehyde in biology class in high school – at least that’s what I believe!).

“Torey, I can’t smell anything…”

He insisted that he could, but I just couldn’t and I kept asking why he decided to switch his cologne out. For me it was like he was swapping out Tito’s for another kind of vodka – it just wasn’t going to happen (at least not right now).

I’m always going to keep a bottle of his cologne around. It’s not going anywhere and I’ll keep buying it when I run out for as long as I can.

Sorry, T-Mitch – I can’t help it!

Go Away, Coronavirus

I often find myself wondering what Torey would be saying right now about the Covid-19 / Coronavirus … Initially, he would have been appalled and thrown the middle finger up to anyone who was trying to be cautious. LOL! But, if he had heard the concern in Tran’s phone call to me on Monday I think it would have sunk in like it did for me. Yes, people are trippin’ out over toilet paper and it’s so frustrating to go to a store and see the frenzy. At the same time, I understand that we have to be cautious, careful and hygienic. 

HOWEVER, I am not going to stop living my life. Torey wouldn’t have. He would have done exactly what I did yesterday evening with Das. I took Das to Twin Peaks for one last time on Monday evening because we have no idea when we’re going to be able to go back. They made room for us at the bar when they saw us and already had my drink ready for me. (now that’s good service!). The city of Dallas will not allow any bar, restaurant or gym to be open until April 29th. My heart goes out to all of our friends in the service industry. 

We’ve been running a few errands together but haven’t really ventured out into a group setting environment – and the both of us miss this so much right now!

After Torey passed away I used the places he often visited as a form of escape, mingling with people he often hung out with. I made new friends who shared their own memories of him and I miss this part of my new existence. It’s already hard enough to deal with the feeling of loneliness, but to have it taken away and not have interaction with grown folks on a daily basis is a little unraveling! Das has his online friends he often plays video games with, but still. It’s not the same and it feels like his spring break is some sick joke. I just hope this madness blows over soon, people are safe and we all can resume our daily lives. 

All I know is my last therapy session was a good one. I think I have all of my over-drinking in control now. I was too busy trying to numb myself. My therapist said I’ve made a little progress in the acceptance part. Instead of wanting to see me once every two weeks she wants to see me once a month while I continue with my online support groups. She also said that Das and I are not doing anything wrong in taking our time in interacting with people we used to interact with regularly. This includes family and friends. 

I hope this is understandable, but if it’s not, then I get it. 

Our Son

I can’t seem to concentrate on much lately. I tried to watch an episode of a show I’ve been watching, I started it and completely lost focus. By the time I looked up the show was 10 minutes in and I was lost. I tried to start watching it from the beginning again, but nope. Ended up watching John Wick 2 for the 200th time (well not literally, but you know what I mean). I can never get enough of those movies and Torey would always laugh at me.

“Babbs! John Wick AGAIN!? You’ve seen this shit like 100 times! Sure, he’s a bad ass, but damn, woman!”

It’s like this pretty much all day unless I’m at work – it’s a little better there. The team I work with do a good job keeping my spirits up.

I know it’s like this for Das, too. Life at school is a distraction from home life, but he’s not doing so well in school. He’s shining on the baseball field, but not off of it. Torey and I did everything we could to transfer him to his current high school – it’s out of district and they have an excellent baseball program. We were so happy he got accepted – especially Torey. He couldn’t wait for the Spring season to start and promised to never miss a game.

Now I’m not sure how this road is gonna end. Das is failing in one class: Pre-AP Algebra and will not be eligible to play for a whole month. I’ve talked to him several times and have grounded him from things he loves to do (Twin Peaks is one of them!), but he’s just not putting any effort into his work. I spoke to his teacher and counselors several times … Tutoring sessions were set up, but apparently Das didn’t go to all of them. There isn’t any self-motivation and I don’t know what else to do.

Yes, I feel lost. I feel like I failed, too. It’s hard for me to be angry with Das because I know how he feels. It’s so hard to pull myself out of bed in the morning to start our day, but I have to. I know he feels the same way. I’d rather just stay in bed for days or weeks at a time, but that’s not going to help anything. I told Das that if I reciprocated his lack of effort then bills wouldn’t get paid and we may not have any food on the table eventually.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I told myself that maybe if he fails and realizes the impact on his baseball life he may do better moving forward. But now that I know for a fact he’s failed, I feel awful.

This grieving process is nuts. Yes, I’m angry, too … angry at why we’re even in this situation in the first place.

He Was Worth Every Single Moment

I’ve been walking down memory lane a lot lately, remembering different phases of our journey together. I’d like to think Torey can hear my thoughts. Reconnecting with friends from the past has brought more memories to the forefront. We had some really good times together and I enjoyed growing into adulthood with him.

It was always hard for me to imagine life without him before the tragic event. Those thoughts would run through my head whenever we had a bad fight. Our fights were pretty intense and there were times I thought we would split for sure. He was so passionate and intense – and I’m the same way! Arguing with him was like having a debate with an attorney. Absolutely nuts, but I hate to admit it … he was usually right!

We would even talk about the possibility of ever breaking up one day. We wouldn’t have stopped loving one another and we told each other that. He would joke about what he’d do or say to my next boyfriend.

“I’m not gonna like him and I know I’ll f*** him up for even looking at you…”
“Torey, that’s not fair because I know your ass is gonna have a fine b****, too, and you wouldn’t want me to mess with her.”
“I don’t care… just don’t bring a dumb ass around my son!”
“Duly noted, T-Mitch, duly noted…”

We used to give each other restrictions on the type of person we couldn’t date … pretty funny conversations! He’d frown if I suggested a certain type of guy I’d like and laugh his ass off when I’d tell him he wasn’t allowed to ever date another Indian chick.

I miss him …

I’d rather be apart and for him to still be here. I’d rather be jealous of his new girl and for him to still be here. I’d rather argue over who shouldn’t be brought around Das and for him to still be here. I’d rather watch him have a good time from afar and for him to still be here.

He was worth every single moment.