Our Son

I can’t seem to concentrate on much lately. I tried to watch an episode of a show I’ve been watching, I started it and completely lost focus. By the time I looked up the show was 10 minutes in and I was lost. I tried to start watching it from the beginning again, but nope. Ended up watching John Wick 2 for the 200th time (well not literally, but you know what I mean). I can never get enough of those movies and Torey would always laugh at me.

“Babbs! John Wick AGAIN!? You’ve seen this shit like 100 times! Sure, he’s a bad ass, but damn, woman!”

It’s like this pretty much all day unless I’m at work – it’s a little better there. The team I work with do a good job keeping my spirits up.

I know it’s like this for Das, too. Life at school is a distraction from home life, but he’s not doing so well in school. He’s shining on the baseball field, but not off of it. Torey and I did everything we could to transfer him to his current high school – it’s out of district and they have an excellent baseball program. We were so happy he got accepted – especially Torey. He couldn’t wait for the Spring season to start and promised to never miss a game.

Now I’m not sure how this road is gonna end. Das is failing in one class: Pre-AP Algebra and will not be eligible to play for a whole month. I’ve talked to him several times and have grounded him from things he loves to do (Twin Peaks is one of them!), but he’s just not putting any effort into his work. I spoke to his teacher and counselors several times … Tutoring sessions were set up, but apparently Das didn’t go to all of them. There isn’t any self-motivation and I don’t know what else to do.

Yes, I feel lost. I feel like I failed, too. It’s hard for me to be angry with Das because I know how he feels. It’s so hard to pull myself out of bed in the morning to start our day, but I have to. I know he feels the same way. I’d rather just stay in bed for days or weeks at a time, but that’s not going to help anything. I told Das that if I reciprocated his lack of effort then bills wouldn’t get paid and we may not have any food on the table eventually.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I told myself that maybe if he fails and realizes the impact on his baseball life he may do better moving forward. But now that I know for a fact he’s failed, I feel awful.

This grieving process is nuts. Yes, I’m angry, too … angry at why we’re even in this situation in the first place.

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