Running on Empty

Emptiness = Loneliness

There isn’t a moment that goes by where I don’t think about what T-Mitch would say or do. I found myself telling a long-time friend that Torey was the only constant in my life I truly relied on with every being of my soul today.

That’s a fact. I moved in with him when I was 19. Yes, NINETEEN. We had been together ever since and I’m 43. Every waking moment involved him whether we were physically together or not.

This loss is so … it’s PAINFUL. I never imagined to be in this position. Not once.

I always counted on me being the first one to kick because I knew he’d be able to handle loss better than me. That’s a fact and I counted on it.

The saddest part is he would always tell me that he knew he’d die young. He always “prepared” me but I never accepted it. I would always hush him down from this type of talk. He “prepared” Das, too – and I feel like Das is living with his Dad’s wishes better than me. Yes, he’s grieving, too … and at times I feel like he’s handling this way better than me. I talked to his counselor today and they seem hopeful, but are concerned – rightfully so because I am, too.

Torey spoiled me in so many ways. I know I’m not the only one in this position who feels like this – especially since the loss was so SUDDEN: I was never prepared. I didn’t have time to compute this – no one did. No time to digest the reality.

I’ve reconnected with some people we had lost contact within these past few months as I had mentioned before. It has helped. It has brought back so many memories as well as heart aches, but … I’m still thankful for the reunions.

I feel lost. Many times I’m just going through the motion of things. I can’t think straight and find myself being all over the place. I don’t let the majority of you witness this, but a couple of you have. I’m sorry for sharing my madness, but I’ve been told not to apologize for it.

Should / Shouldn’t: apologies nonetheless because that’s just how I feel.

Torey was really amazing at writing poetry… I’ve never really been good at it but I took a stab at it tonight. Here it goes and yes, critiques are welcome (for real because he’s not here to shoot it straight with me and I need real talk!)

I hear the sorrow of the unknown
Just to be shown
The reality of being torn


I’d like one more moment with you
Just to be near you
To feel you
And breath you

One more moment for our time
Another shot with a lime
You still inspire me for the rhyme

I love you until the end of time

Earth Day 2020

For the past 13 to 14 years Earth Day was always one of Torey’s busiest days. Sometimes Das and I would hardly see him until he came home after attending events / conventions, networking and trying to do better. He would not have liked being quarantined this year – especially on such a monumental one: the 50th celebration.

I didn’t have the heart to do what I normally do every year for him – and that was to post on his behalf on The Green Dream Company’s social media pages. I did however, retweet / re-post for the company I work for, Content Pilot.

He would have been proud of that – probably would have reached out to a few of my colleagues to say thank you and would have offered to help in any green initiative moving forward.

I hope things get better for our kind on this planet – we all have to do our part. People like Torey had a true sense of purpose… more than others. I’m not him, but I will certainly try to do what I can like he’d want me to.

Please do the same. The Green Dream Company is no more, but that doesn’t mean the dream isn’t.

Happy Earth Day …

4.20.2020

Yeah, being quarantined makes me wonder how T-Mitch would have handled our day-to-day all of the time… especially today. If you knew him – like truly knew him, then you know what I’m talking about. For those of you who didn’t – I’m not going to apologize: there was a reason why you didn’t know! (sorry, not sorry)

I woke up today knowing exactly what day it was. I woke up two hours before my alarm went off – been doing that a lot actually. I still sleep with his favorite shirt and for the first time I noticed one of the sleeves was wrapped around my left arm. This had never happened before and I’ve been sleeping with it literally since the day of.

It made me smile. It made me cry. It made me feel him around me yet again and I felt comforted yet deeply sorrowful. It made me think about what he’d say and do in that particular moment. It would have been … amazing.

I imagine he would have gotten up, done his usual morning hygiene things like shower, brush his teeth, put on a fresh pair of clothes (his Dallas Cowboys T-shirt and some athletic shorts most likely) and then he would have made some bacon and eggs served with some fresh fruit. He would have turned the TV on around 8 or 9 in the morning and put CNN on as usual. He would have gone to our patio and fulfilled his 420 shenanigans – but then again this probably wouldn’t have been any different from any other quarantined day! LOL! This honestly would have been his routine.

I think the way he would have made this one a little different is he would have called and talked to his fellow 420 loved ones. I say “420 loved ones” because that’s how we see you.

He would have wanted to watch something new – a good CGI movie or something.

He would have wanted to listen to music he liked and music he’s never heard before.

He would have been T-Mitch at his best because that was his usual thing to do.

He kept us HAPPY. He kept us GROUNDED. He kept us REAL. He kept us PROTECTED. He kept us LOVED. He kept us TAKEN CARE OF. He kept us … he JUST KEPT US.

One of Das’ teammates lost his father last week and the funeral is tomorrow. Although most people are not allowed to attend due to the current COVID-19 situation, the team is being asked greet the family from afar. I am going to make sure we’re there because the team and school has been beyond supportive. They’re amazing and have helped us so much!

I can feel Torey smiling down on us right now. We miss him, but I’d like to think he’s okay… hoping at some point we’ll be somewhat close to okay, too.

T-Mitch 420

Shooooooower Shotttt!!!!!!

This is something Torey and I didn’t share with most of you. Das knows about it because well – he’s our son and knows what happens at home.

Every evening once we were in the process of getting cleaned up before going to bed, of course, we’d shower. Any time one of us stepped into the shower the other would pour shots for the two of us.

Yes, the famous T-Mitch margarita shots.

Torey used to love the way I’d “introduce” the shot each night. He’d emulate it when it was his turn. You’ll have to ask me in person if you want to know what I mean…

Kinda wish I had recorded those moments, but I don’t think I would have posted it here anyway!

I miss these type of moments so fucking much… just to feel his love again, his touch, his warmth, his breath, his being – HIS EXISTENCE is sooooo missed.

Das and I went and laid flowers down for him again today by a light pole. We laid these down today for him (the store had some shitty bunches so we took what we could make the most of!).

“Neena” by T-Mitch

I found a poem Torey had written about me (I believe he wrote this in 2002):

Love as intense as a brown mahogany sweet
The warmth of your soul makes mine complete

A smell as fragrant as the graceful wind
A taste that controls the power of man

Aesthetics equipped to win hearts over
Her eyes are as bright as a champagne supernova

Her skin is as warm as the Telugu moon
Her hips are equipped to sustain a monsoon

If you have her there, no one else is needed
Blessed be my beautiful, beautiful Neena

Neena by T-Mitch

He made me feel so loved, adored, appreciated and beautiful. Being quarantined has given me too much time to think about things like this. I feel like I’m regressing whatever tiny bit of progress I’ve made dealing with grief.

It’s hard not to think about what Torey would say about our current COVID-19 situation. He wouldn’t have liked being quarantined at all and would have insisted to be the one to run errands. We would have cooked a lot more than we already were and probably drink a lot more, too. Torey would have bitched about politics and would have spent a lot more time on the phone talking to many of you who are reading this. He would have made us all laugh and would have come up with new ideas – whether creative or business related.

I can hear him reading this poem to me every time I read it. More to come …