State of Mind

I’ve been gifted with several books about Grief during the time of the funeral. They sat on my bedside table, untouched for months. I started reading them last week and I feel like they’re a re-run of the book I read before. Yes, they make sense. No, I’m not sure how good they are for me. I find myself asking, “Where exactly am I during this grieving process?”

The answer to this question is kind of all over the place to be honest. I think the first major step is true acceptance which didn’t really hit me until probably March of this year. I know it has only been six months, but in retrospect the time period between November and March was the darkest hour of my life. I can’t speak for Das. I feel like Das and I are on the same journey but on two different roads.

It’s not like I don’t like the books – I’m thankful I have them. I just … maybe it’s too soon to be reading these? Yes, they make sense, but at the same time I feel like processing what they’re saying is too hard and too much. For me (and maybe for Das) it’s talking about our feelings with those we know can understand is the best therapy. Talking to people who have lost a significant other is the ultimate therapy for me. Yes, losing any loved one is so hard, but to lose someone who was literally your better half is just so much harder to explain… especially when it was an out of the blue moment.

Das and I talk about dealing with Grief often and we realized that we’re becoming “coaches” to other people. He’s become a sounding board to many of his close friends while I listen and talk to people in my online Grief groups. I’ve even had several phone/video conversations with total strangers, and it’s been good for me. Das doesn’t mind this either and I’m thankful for this.

I’m all about learning how to cope so I’m grateful for the books. I’ll read them and whatever I gain will come to me at the right time. For those of you who have gifted me with these books, please don’t feel like you hindered me in any way. You should know that it’ll all come together for me (us) at some point.

No, I don’t feel like I’m out of the darkest hour, but it feels like I’m getting a little bit closer to be. I think it just depends on the day.

On another note, there’s been too much time for reflection:

• How could I have been a better spouse / partner / best friend / soul mate / lover / mother? (There are so many things I could have done better)

• What could I have done to take better care of Torey? (So many times I could have insisted much more than I did to get him to go see a doctor, but he just didn’t want to)

• Would knowing CPR at the time of the tragic accident have helped the situation? (In retrospect, probably not, but I wish I had known and intend to take classes)

• Should I have been a bigger nag to take care of his health than he already thought I was? (If I had been a bigger nag than I already was then we may not have still been together, but I wish I had taken this risk)

There are so many more thoughts and questions that go through my mind from an hourly basis – it’s not something I can’t stop thinking about.

On another note, I find myself going through old pictures and videos just to see and hear him again. I enjoy sharing my dreams of him and here’s one I had the other night:

Torey was driving Das and I – we were on a road trip. The radio was on, warning us about a bad thunderstorm headed our way. Torey was wearing a white collar, full sleeved shirt with a black fedora. He was in good spirits when the trip first started, but as the weather seemed to get bad he got quiet. The sky looked ominous – not sure where we were headed but I think we were on 75 headed north. A few hours in, Torey and Das got hungry so Torey decided to pull over to get something to eat. He pulled into a small ma-and-pa seafood restaurant (I was on my phone checking this place out to make sure it was okay, but that didn’t stop my man). We got a table near a window – there was a BBQ restaurant across the street that said it was only open for lunch and it was closed at the time.

We ordered our food and ate, had good conversations – Torey was in better spirits now that he was fed and had a few drinks. Before we were ready to leave, he said, “Man, never order ribs here – my food was terrible!” In classic fashion Das and I looked at each other like “Whaaaat!?” So, I said, “T-Mitch, you came to a seafood restaurant and ordered ribs, dude. I mean …”

That’s where the dream ended. Yeah, he probably saw the BBQ spot across the street and wanted some good BBQ but got desperate (which we’ve all done!). I shared this dream with Das the next day and his response was, “Yeah, that sounds like Dad…”

If you don’t know: Torey and Das were super close – baseball was their most common bond. As I was scrolling through images, I found a series of images I had to make a gif file for. Here you go:

I’m documenting another moment in this current time:

#BlackLivesMatters

I am outraged. Das is outraged. I know Torey is, too – he was probably there to welcome Mr. Floyd to the fold – F*** Racism (f***ing assholes).

That. Is. All.