T-Mitch Dreamin’

Yes, I still see T-Mitch in my dreams and that’s where he’s the most alive for me. I just haven’t been sharing every single one here on this platform. I had a really good one last night and I’m positive it was inspired by Das’ performance on the field yesterday.

I don’t get to go to every one of Das’ summer ball games due to work. T-Mitch would have if he could – he hated missing his games and the feeling is mutual. With that said I’m thankful to go when I can and Das is an amazing son for understanding this.

We poured our hearts out to each other before going to bed last night, shedding tears. Das understands how tough the rest of his baseball years are going to be and how there will be times he will have to travel without me. All I can say is that this dream I’m about to share with you … well I’m taking this as a sign from T-Mitch to both Das and I.

Torey and I dropped Das off an hour early as usual at the ball field – and it looked like we were in Malibu. The both of us went for a drink and shared a few laughs. He was wearing his Green Sox gear, hat turned backwards, long green socks with his green New Balance sneakers … and of course his black sunglasses.

He was truly happy – so was I. We left the bar and headed back to the ballpark. This park was incredibly beautiful! The field rested on a cliff and if you hit a home run the ball would go straight into the Pacific Ocean. No palm trees or anything from that viewpoint beyond the field – just the ocean. It was a lot like Pepperdine University’s field, but even more impressive. The seating area was elevated, and it was natural terrain. Imagine sitting behind home plate with the ability to bring your own chairs and still feel like you’re enjoying mother nature. No concrete.

I set our chairs up and looked behind me and there was Torey, smiling at me. I asked him if he saw Das’ hits from yesterday’s games and he replied, “I haven’t missed any of his games! My boy is BALLIN’!!” His roaring laughter was so infectious that it made other people at the park laugh, too. I was so happy to hear him say this and to see him so happy and proud of our son!

I was upset that I woke up before being able to see Das on the field, but it was super sweet and heartwarming. There’s a sense of comfort from this dream, a feeling I haven’t felt in forever. Our love for each other will never go away. Our love for Das will always be here, too.

Would I Have…?

Like many of you I have been binge-watching a few series and watching many movies. Besides writing and dabbling back into my creative side of the brain, entertainment on the tube has been part of my grief-stricken-quarantine-life. Some of it has been an escape while some of it has been a trigger point for breakdowns. The number one source for breakdowns has been music. I’ve been trying to listen to things I normally would listen to, but knowing my man ain’t around anymore just makes it harder. On that note, I can’t watch certain things either – there are a few shows/movies we didn’t get to finish together and I have left it at that. I don’t have the heart to go back and finish. What’s the point?

Any who … I binged “Black Mirror” the past few weeks (yeah, some of you are like, “You’re a little late to the game” but whatever!). Literally each episode is pretty mind-blowing! I finally caught up and had a conversation with Das about that show. He’s convinced the writers are on some twisted shit and pull ideas out of crazy states of mind! He may be right, but there’s some deep thought there, too.

One episode hit me kinda hard and it’s an older one from the second season, first episode titled, “Be Right Back.” Per Wikipedia here’s the summary:

Ash lives with his girlfriend Martha, spending a lot of time on social media, until one day he dies in a traffic accident. A few days later, Martha finds out that she is pregnant and decides to use a new technology that is able to simulate Ash’s voice and personality on the phone, based on his social media profile and other audiovisual material. This service helps her overcome her despair, until one day she accidentally drops her phone and panics. The artificial Ash tells her of the service’s experimental stage, in which she agrees to have the replica transferred into a synthetic body, almost identical to Ash. However, Martha realizes that the android is not able to replicate the small details in her loved one’s behavior and starts distancing herself from it. Finally, Martha takes the artificial Ash to a cliff and orders it to jump off. As it begins to follow the order, Martha expresses her frustration that Ash would not have simply obeyed. As a response, the android starts begging for its life. Unable to get rid of it, she ends up keeping the android in the attic, where a few years later her little daughter visits it every weekend.

As I was watching the show I could relate to Martha in so many ways and it baffled me. My first reaction was being appalled at the idea of “recreating a live doll” of your own late husband. It’s a notion I’d reject even now … but watching her give in to the idea and understanding her reasons behind it made me realize how desperate grief can make us feel.

It made me realize that this feeling – of wanting to do anything that’s remotely possible for that one more moment is normal. The feeling that if it WAS actually possible and hiding it from everyone else seems reasonable. The feeling of wanting to conquer despair, the loss of someone so special along with loneliness is just natural.

Would I do it? Would I have pulled what Martha had pulled?

Probably.

Would I have ended up resenting my decision?

Yes.

Why?

It wouldn’t be the real T-Mitch. It would have been a fake – a wannabe and no, it wouldn’t have been right.

Would I have confined this fake T-Mitch into an attic for the rest of his existence?

No. I don’t think there’s any real way to hide something like that – even though I understand why Martha chose to take that route. I think she dealt with it the wrong way in the end.

I would have shared what I chose to do with people and would have ended up saying, “Yeah, he’s a fake, but it’s the closest thing we have around so fuck it.”

Like Martha, I would have regretted it. As much as I’d like to have him back right now, I have to let him rest. It would be too selfish even if it were possible and this reality sucks. Every morning I wake up hoping I had been living a long, cruel nightmare… hoping this reality was all a bad dream.

It’s not. This is the hardest part of the day …. the second hardest part is finding the ability to go to bed alone.

On the binge-watching note (see how I switched gears?) … I saw on one of my online therapy groups that Ricky Gervais’ show, “After Life” is a pretty a big hit in the widow community. I started it this evening and it’s been really good! Yes, there are so many trigger points and I shed plenty of tears, but it’s been worth it. I’ve always loved Ricky’s work and I have even more respect for him now.

In a British accent: “Well good night then, yeah?”

My birthday circa 2010 @ Pappadeaux

Baseball Way of Life

Good grief … this is so f****ing HARD! Torey lived for this shit and I lived for this shit because both him and Das lived for this shit. The three of us worked as a team to get in and out of the ballpark – regardless of which park – and it was our way of life.

This didn’t apply just to summer ball – it was whenever ball. Doing this without Torey has been heartbreaking. I feel his spirit, I do. I just miss listening to his quips and his conversations about the game. He loved watching Das play – it brought him so much JOY and yes, frustration sometimes – I mean, he DID get ejected from the game just being a spectator!

This season has been particularly hard because Das hasn’t been happy with the team we were on. There were several grievances and Das has spoken up for himself – didn’t wait on me or asked me to step in. I suppose he feels like he needs to be his own voice rather than rely on anyone – in the past Torey was his voice. T-Mitch would talk to the Coaches on Das’ behalf. I’m proud of Das… I can rely on the fact that he can speak for himself as well as Torey could.

We used to drop Das off at the field since he’d have to be there an hour before the game. Then we’d go and find the closest Chili’s depending on what time it was and park ourselves at the bar. We would have a drink or two and head back to the ballpark, giggling and shootin’ the shit. These times are gone now.

T-Mitch would always laugh whenever he found himself teaching me something new about the game – whether it was a baseball nuance or a play. I miss this.

We would cringe at early morning games together, bitch and moan… but, we’d get up and soldier on and get our boy to the destination. Sometimes the drive time would be an hour or more…

I miss running and getting more ice in between games on a hot day with him. Any time spent in an air conditioned setting was such a relief for us and we treasured it together!

I miss showing him the pictures I’d take on my camera in between plays. “That’s a good shot, ‘Nita!”

I miss hearing his conversations with other parents, players, coaches and the umpires. His laugh was infectious.

Since we ran Green Sox together with Joe we knew what the expenses were so anytime a ball was hit as a foul ball outside of the field and was unreachable or lost, Torey was known to say, “Five dollars!” Some parents still say that because of him!

I spend so much time watching videos and looking at pictures I took during ball games…. just to hear his voice. I wish I filmed him more. I wish for so much, but I know none of it is possible.

This past weekend being in College Station to watch Das play ball broke me a few times. It reminded me of our travel time for tournaments from last summer. He looked forward to more of this … he simply couldn’t wait. I just enjoyed the journey with him … to see Das grow as a player.

Das plays with passion. He plays with soul for his own soul because baseball is one of his saving graces. He loves the game so much. Torey taught him that.

I am forever grateful and miss my T-Mitch so, so, soooo much.

Torey Mitchell | Belligerent Gus Blog
Click here for a short video: https://photos.app.goo.gl/tbbFxcQbTgephrKdA