I don’t think I’ll ever get over the sadness and this emptiness in my heart. Some days are okay while others are overwhelming. No, I don’t always answer my phone, nor do I return text messages. I try to find an escape and end up watching new shows or movies, but struggle to pay attention.
Crying myself to sleep has been the norm and that’s when I talk to Torey the most. I know he doesn’t want me to be sad, but it’s not possible for me to NOT feel this way. He was my best friend, my soul mate, my lover and life partner. I was not supposed to out-live him. I wasn’t. I was always convinced of this because he would have been much stronger and would have survived the loss much better than the way I’m dealing with it.
I always imagined Torey moving on after my passing as an older gentleman – gray facial hair but his smooth brown skin would have still turned heads. His smile and the twinkle in his eyes – yes, he would have still been a big old flirt! He always was and I knew in my heart that he would find another woman to grow older with. I wanted that for him. I really did. I would have been happy knowing he wasn’t spending the rest of his days alone and positive he would have picked someone Das would have grown to love as well.
I used to tell him all the time that in the event I died the only restriction he had in moving on to another woman is that she couldn’t be Indian. LOL! I didn’t want him with another desi chick because well … I’m just selfish like that! He’d joke and assure me by saying, “Don’t worry, babe, she’ll be South American or Middle Eastern…”
I miss laughing with him and he loved it when I made him laugh. “’Nita, people don’t really know how funny you are! I love you, Babbs!” I spend hours looking at every picture I can find of him, every video bit he’s on … just to hear him again. His laughter. His tone … his presence. I miss all of these things and I know I’m not the only one.
August 26th is around the corner. It marks our 20th Wedding Anniversary. October marks our 25 years of being together. And then … November 20th will mark one year of him being gone. Yes, these milestones are doing a number on me. Emotions are coming in their own waves; some are much stronger than the others. I choke up during the most unexpected of times …
We had planned on going to New Orleans to celebrate these milestones. I had a special surprise planned for him. So many things are off the table now … no more. No more happiness the way Das and I knew it. It’s different.
Das is doing as well as he can right now. We keep communicating and I hesitate disciplining him from time to time, but we talk…. and we keep it real. I think that’s the right thing to do …
Who’s down for a zoom call on our 20th anniversary!? I think that might be the best way to deal with it after talking to Gib tonight. He’s Torey’s best friend since they were in diapers. I may go that route…
Miss you, T-Mitch.