It’s Been a While …

Well … the one-year mark is approaching, and it’s been heartbreaking to even acknowledge this. It’s still so hard to believe Torey’s gone sometimes. I’ve been clearing out a storage unit he used for his recycling pickups. We eventually ended up in using it as our own storage unit and man this was an undertaking task! I don’t think he used it for the past 2 or 3 years because so much dust had accumulated over time. I was thankful I had my mask on when I opened the unit.

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I found so much stuff: baseball equipment, recycling bins, industrial toner cartridges (unused), old electronics, floppy disks … several other items I think he was waiting to see how these items can be re-purposed/recycled. Oh, and books. LOTS of books and DVDs. Half Price should be happy. Going through our personal belongings brought back a wave of emotions as the memories flooded in. I found stacks and stacks of photos from our time living in Houston during our 20s. I wish I could remember all of the names of the people we used to hang out with – Torey would have remembered their names! That’s the truth. People remind me that Torey would want me to “move on” … I don’t think that’s possible at all. I don’t think you can truly “move on” when you have lost your soul mate and best friend. What IS possible is you learn to live with this sentiment and challenge yourself to get through another day. It’s about finding a way to live with this intense grief, which feels like it’s never really going to go away. It can be very overwhelming some days while others are a little easier to get through. My heart doesn’t feel empty because my love for him is still stronger than ever. This won’t ever stop. In my grief groups I often hear about widows/widowers finding their “chapter two” and how it’s possible to make room for a new person in their lives. While that sounds hopeful, I don’t know if it’s even possible for me. I suppose I don’t want anyone to get that close to me anymore. I’ve been asked how Das and I will be spending November 20th. I’m not really sure to be honest. I know we’re going to spend the day together – Das wants it that way and I am grateful he asked for this. I’ve watched some monumental sports moments with Das and my new friends the past couple of weeks and I can hear Torey’s voice through it all. I can feel what he’d say or do … I’ll never stop loving him. Never. Ever. My only one true love in life. There are so many people I’m thankful for in this journey so far … I can’t name them all, but honestly most of them are the new people in my life. They’ve helped me to embrace laughing again. I appreciate everyone who checks on us. It’s a small group of folks and they know who they are…