Birthday Reflection

Yes, today is my 44th birthday … and I must say this was one of the toughest years of our lives. Yes, OUR lives … I believe all of us had more than enough struggle besides just dealing with COVID. I’m not just talking about just loss and grief but everything else that comes along: there’s depression, disappointment, financial tolls, pay cuts, lay offs / unemployment and so much more. Sure we can all point fingers and blame it on politics and the pandemic. It’s not that simple though…

I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty of why this past year was SO bad. I’m trying to allow myself to focus on the positives. I thought about listing 20 things I feel good about this past year, but my inner voice said, “Are you kidding me!? That’s a bit ambitious, bitch!”

Point taken, damn! Anyway, here’s an attempt of 10 positives:

  1. Das is a champion in more ways than one. He’s able to express himself in such an amazing way – reminds me a lot of T-Mitch. Through his expression he was able to make some serious strides in his own personal anguish. I’m incredibly proud of him and will continue to support him the best way I can.
  2. Cooking for two instead of three has been an interesting learning experience. Torey used to kill leftovers and I’d help, too – Das was never a fan of leftovers so we’d end up wasting food. I’ve cut down on our cooking portions by half and I freeze leftovers so that I can pull them out of the freezer a week or two later to reheat. Not a lot of food gets wasted this way.
  3. There’s one particular Widow-Grief group that sets itself apart than the others and I am incredibly thankful for this! They literally provide the right type of support – with dark humor and all, which I absolutely love!
  4. Since my workplace is remote now, I’ve been able to save a ton of money on transportation costs – I didn’t like being work-from-home at first during the beginning of quarantine. After the first two to three weeks, I got used to it and I totally appreciate it so much right now!
  5. I made friends with a lot of folks who knew T-Mitch at different bars around town … to hear their memories of him has been comforting!
  6. So many people have offered their help and support – and they continue to do so. I’m so thankful and grateful for them!
  7. I went straight from my parents’ home to living with T-Mitch back in ’95. Now I’m on the journey of embracing adulthood on my own and under my own roof. I’m not really sure what this entails but I’m trying to learn and embrace this new journey.
  8. Learning to depend on family. This is new – something I’ve always been against. Why? Because Torey and I have always taken pride to accomplish milestones on our own, together. Now … I don’t have him and I need help. My parents, brother, family and friends have been incredible. Thank you all SO much!
  9. Learning to listen to music and watch certain entertainment without T-Mitch has been a f****ing challenge. I’m getting better. I have to accept it at some point – it’s been super hard though!
  10. I thought about the 10th reason for the past three freakin’ days…. I can’t seem to come up with one! I’ll leave this one open and come back to it later. Or not. *shrug*

Thank you for listening.


Das and I laid these flowers for Torey – he loved Tulips!

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