Trigger Part 1

So I must admit … I wasn’t a big fan of Prince when Torey and I met and I blame that on my upbringing! My fam had deep seeded roots in support for MJ so I was led on a biased based mentality (no knock on my loved ones by the way!). The summer I met Torey TLC had released one of their biggest albums. I bought that album during the summer of 1995 (it was released in September of ’94).

One of my favorite tracks was “If I Was Your Girlfriend” – I loved the production, the sound, the lyrics and just about everything else!

After meeting Torey and discussing our musical preferences he let me know that song was a Prince cover song. I was floored. I had no freakin’ idea! It just let me know at the time of realization how much he had to share with me and for me to share with him.

T-Mitch used this song a lot to get through some moments in our relationship. I have to give him the majority of the credit for becoming the woman I am now. He understood me – he got me to my core. I’m not sure if this will ever happen again and I’m okay with this sentiment. At least it happened once. I can live with that. Das will know me better than the most of you – he already does in most ways, but not all.

I know I’m stubborn. I know I’m vulnerable. I am sad and depressed. I have a hard time being creative and I miss this part of myself. I enjoy the escapes I allow myself on a daily basis. I often wish it was me who left the world instead of Torey. I feel like he not only would have handled this better, but he also would have been MUCH more courageous in not feeling alone.

Loneliness is … well I’ve accepted it now. I’m over the wanting of companionship. I just want to live and that’s all I can do because of Das. Das is my universe. I will do what I can for him for as long as I can. Yes, all of this shit stemmed from hearing this song mentioned in this post. It’s pretty amazing what triggers your soul.

That is all. Good night.

Memory/Challenge

I just started watching CNN’s Stanley Tucci: Searching for Italy and it’s been great! I’m two episodes in. Watching it made me realize how heart broken I was of learning about Anthony Bourdain’s death. Torey was there that morning as we were getting ready for work. I was sitting on our bed and scrolling through my news feed on my phone while he finished getting dressed. Once I saw the headline and clicked on the reliable source I started bawling. He was so concerned and asked what was wrong and I couldn’t even speak. I handed him my phone and tried to get ahold of myself. T-Mitch was in disbelief, too.

The both of us were huge Bourdain fans – we watched almost every episode he was in. We just couldn’t bring ourselves to watch the last season they aired. It was too much … I suppose I should finish the last season for the both of them now.

Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown

“Missing Who I Once Was”

Recently I posted how much I miss Torey and added something about missing who I once was. A friend, Suzanne, reached out to me and asked what I meant by that. I’m glad she asked me this because it made me put my thoughts into words:

As far as “missing who I once was” – I mean it may not be obvious to someone who hasn’t experienced what I (and so many others) have. Once you have been in a long-time relationship with someone, you become symbiotic with them. Your existence becomes so interwoven that you just cannot imagine functioning without them.

Then they’re gone. Just like that – within a matter of seconds. Right in front of you. And it changes you. You can no longer depend on the pillar of existence. You can no longer rely on their wisdom. You can no longer trust your own instincts because you don’t have their feedback for assurance, yet you make do. You can no longer rely on the sense of touch – you have no idea how much people take that for granted. Emotional needs are now a forefront as opposed to before you didn’t think about too much of that because you have support from your significant other. Physical needs are no longer satisfied to your liking. The way you handle parenting changes and you just cannot stand doing it alone.

Happiness is gone. Sadness is present every fucking day: for our son and for me. Depression is real. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Sure, people can move on, but that’s not an easy process. And it doesn’t happen overnight. And honestly I don’t believe anyone truly “moves on” … you simply learn how to handle the loss on a daily basis. There’s a part of your heart and soul that will never let it go and I think it varies from person to person just depending on how close/intimate you were to your significant other.

It feels like I’ve lost a part of my identity. It truly hurts. Maybe because he was the only one on the planet who truly got me and never judged me. Our history runs deep…

With that said … cherish every freakin’ moment. Be that annoying person who takes pictures/videos of day-to-day activities (I wish I had done more of this). Never go to bed upset with your loved ones (we tried to live by this the best we could).

Suzanne had interviewed Torey for her Vlog: The Bright Muse
Here’s the video on YouTube

Thanks to Winter Storm 2021 I couldn’t make it out to the Parking Lot to lay my Valentine’s Day flowers for T-Mitch. Das and I finally got to go a little over a week later… here are the flowers:

Valentines for T-Mitch