“Missing Who I Once Was”

Recently I posted how much I miss Torey and added something about missing who I once was. A friend, Suzanne, reached out to me and asked what I meant by that. I’m glad she asked me this because it made me put my thoughts into words:

As far as “missing who I once was” – I mean it may not be obvious to someone who hasn’t experienced what I (and so many others) have. Once you have been in a long-time relationship with someone, you become symbiotic with them. Your existence becomes so interwoven that you just cannot imagine functioning without them.

Then they’re gone. Just like that – within a matter of seconds. Right in front of you. And it changes you. You can no longer depend on the pillar of existence. You can no longer rely on their wisdom. You can no longer trust your own instincts because you don’t have their feedback for assurance, yet you make do. You can no longer rely on the sense of touch – you have no idea how much people take that for granted. Emotional needs are now a forefront as opposed to before you didn’t think about too much of that because you have support from your significant other. Physical needs are no longer satisfied to your liking. The way you handle parenting changes and you just cannot stand doing it alone.

Happiness is gone. Sadness is present every fucking day: for our son and for me. Depression is real. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Sure, people can move on, but that’s not an easy process. And it doesn’t happen overnight. And honestly I don’t believe anyone truly “moves on” … you simply learn how to handle the loss on a daily basis. There’s a part of your heart and soul that will never let it go and I think it varies from person to person just depending on how close/intimate you were to your significant other.

It feels like I’ve lost a part of my identity. It truly hurts. Maybe because he was the only one on the planet who truly got me and never judged me. Our history runs deep…

With that said … cherish every freakin’ moment. Be that annoying person who takes pictures/videos of day-to-day activities (I wish I had done more of this). Never go to bed upset with your loved ones (we tried to live by this the best we could).

Suzanne had interviewed Torey for her Vlog: The Bright Muse
Here’s the video on YouTube

Thanks to Winter Storm 2021 I couldn’t make it out to the Parking Lot to lay my Valentine’s Day flowers for T-Mitch. Das and I finally got to go a little over a week later… here are the flowers: