4 Years of Loss

I’m sharing my thoughts here rather than posting a rather lengthy posting on social media, so if you’re actually reading this, then you must give a shit of our existence (Das and I) – so thank you!

It’s been four years since Torey left us: 11.20.2019 – the official time is 9:08 AM, but it was at least 20 minutes prior to that he left us. The doctors tried hard. I relive that moment almost every day … and sometimes I wonder if it would have been better had I not been there. I think about this so much and honestly, if I hadn’t been there, it would have been harder to process all of it.

Yes, it was painful as fuck! I felt incredibly helpless and just kept waiting for a solution. It was horrible and I wouldn’t wish this on ANYONE!

I can’t tell you how many times I secretly wish he’d just show up and say, “Ha! Fooled you, ‘Nita!!” If this actually happened, I’d be pissed for 10 seconds, but over-fucking joyed to see and feel him again! No lie.

I want to hear him come home again – with his damn ostrich skinned Lucchese cowboys boots hitting our floor at the front door, and the way he dragged his feet and then the keys hitting our copper bowl in the front hallway. I want to hear him say, “Hey, ‘Nita – how was your day?”

I want to hear him say to Das, “Don’t be good my ni**a, be Great.”

I want to see him in the kitchen making his delicious blackened catfish (and pouring his infamous T-Mitch shots!). Damn! I miss that shit!

I simply MISS hearing him talk to Das on the daily – like seriously! We always kept it real with Das and I miss having my man with me. I am trying to still be a good parent, but I still feel a bit lost without T-Mitch!
All I know is that I feel his love… DAILY.

He shows up in the most random moments that are beyond my control. It happens so much so I know it can’t be a coincidence. And dreams give me comfort – that’s the only way we “communicate” and I always wake up in bewilderment! It’s like a fucking TREAT!!!!

To have been Torey’s love is one of the best blessings I could ever ask for – the next is being his son’s mother. Das is incredible – he reminds me of T-Mitch so much! I can speak for T-Mitch by saying, we’re BOTH proud of him! Das is truly my ROCK!

Note to Torey:

Torey,

Das and I miss you – and so many more people do, too! You are loved and always in our hearts. I still feel broken without you, but I’m making it. I’m truly trying like I know you would want me to. Das is incredibly smart and understanding – he got his intuition from you, so no need to worry about him. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams! You will forever be my soulmate and my bestest friend in the universe. If there’s an alternate reality and time travel or whatever is involved, come see us! Twin Peaks ain’t the same, but we can still all go there together! Love you SO MUCH!

On that note: Rest in Peace and so much Love, Torey! Love for you will never EVER end!

#MissYouTMitch

This was one of his favorite songs: