Running on Empty

Emptiness = Loneliness

There isn’t a moment that goes by where I don’t think about what T-Mitch would say or do. I found myself telling a long-time friend that Torey was the only constant in my life I truly relied on with every being of my soul today.

That’s a fact. I moved in with him when I was 19. Yes, NINETEEN. We had been together ever since and I’m 43. Every waking moment involved him whether we were physically together or not.

This loss is so … it’s PAINFUL. I never imagined to be in this position. Not once.

I always counted on me being the first one to kick because I knew he’d be able to handle loss better than me. That’s a fact and I counted on it.

The saddest part is he would always tell me that he knew he’d die young. He always “prepared” me but I never accepted it. I would always hush him down from this type of talk. He “prepared” Das, too – and I feel like Das is living with his Dad’s wishes better than me. Yes, he’s grieving, too … and at times I feel like he’s handling this way better than me. I talked to his counselor today and they seem hopeful, but are concerned – rightfully so because I am, too.

Torey spoiled me in so many ways. I know I’m not the only one in this position who feels like this – especially since the loss was so SUDDEN: I was never prepared. I didn’t have time to compute this – no one did. No time to digest the reality.

I’ve reconnected with some people we had lost contact within these past few months as I had mentioned before. It has helped. It has brought back so many memories as well as heart aches, but … I’m still thankful for the reunions.

I feel lost. Many times I’m just going through the motion of things. I can’t think straight and find myself being all over the place. I don’t let the majority of you witness this, but a couple of you have. I’m sorry for sharing my madness, but I’ve been told not to apologize for it.

Should / Shouldn’t: apologies nonetheless because that’s just how I feel.

Torey was really amazing at writing poetry… I’ve never really been good at it but I took a stab at it tonight. Here it goes and yes, critiques are welcome (for real because he’s not here to shoot it straight with me and I need real talk!)

I hear the sorrow of the unknown
Just to be shown
The reality of being torn

I’d like one more moment with you
Just to be near you
To feel you
And breath you

One more moment for our time
Another shot with a lime
You still inspire me for the rhyme

I love you until the end of time